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“Adoration” Fiction by Leon Marks

The brightly colored homes, the royal blues and turquoises, the sandy oranges and vermilions, which dotted the village in random patterns here, orderly lines there, the little houses which were invariably described as “storybook” by the tourists, the Germans and Americans and Ukrainians, all of these were gone at night. Instead, a dozen tiny windows shone dim yellow from reading lamps or dimmer blue from televisions. Headlights crawled down and up the dirt road from time to time, a faint gravelly song ascending from beneath the tires and up the hillside to where the goatherd stood outside his barn. A street lamp hung outside the little roadside clinic where the doctor and his daughter stood watch, day and night, to aid villagers or travelers in pain.

It wasn’t just the village. Even the enormous hills were invisible, especially on a moonless night like this one. They weren’t to be called mountains in this part of Bukovina for they were mere foothills of the Carpathians, which swept the land of Transylvania up toward the sky many miles away. These hills were mighty though, forming great streams which efficiently watered the goats, who traversed the hillsides every morning after feeding and then again every evening before sleep. The goatherd, whose father had died three months earlier and whose wife had left not long after that, now had to tend not only to the goats but to the business, the selling, the auction, the distributor in Suceava, a craft for which he’d felt ill-equipped since his youth. His preference had always been to collaborate with the dogs, the collies and Canaan dogs, to lead the goats, organize them, contain them on their grazes, or to feed them, milk them, birth them, wean them, vaccinate them or slaughter them when the time came. He tended to the goats and his father had tended to the business: that was the way it had been until recently. His wife had tended to the home, a two-room concrete structure set on the south side of the pasture, near the makeshift dog pens and hidden from the village and the tourists who came through to snap photographs of the painted monasteries. The barn on the pasture’s north side kept the goats at night. On one end were the milking stalls and on the other were the haylofts and stacked bales; the goats slept in the middle. A special stable housed Jet and Roma, the donkeys, whom the goatherd’s wife had humorously referred to as conducators, or the “drivers.” Jet and Roma pulled the cart into town, and to Iasi or Suceava several times a year, and the goatherd’s wife had felt a particular affection for them. The goatherd, on the other hand, preferred the dogs, of which he had more than necessary. They were full of energy, unlike the donkeys, and full of pride, unlike the goats. He had once thought about naming them, but couldn’t think of any names, so instead began identifying them with sounds. He hissed at the white-and-brown collie. He clucked at the one with black on its ears. He made kissing sounds at the littlest one.  There were two Canaan hounds too, one called with a sort of bark, the other with a whistle. The whistle dog, however, hadn’t come when called for several weeks now. She pleased herself instead by lying in the pasture and watching the others, her mouth open with a kind of panting smile, her ears usually perked, her youth and mobility mere recollections in the goatherd’s mind. Ever since his wife left, the whistle dog had slept in the goatherd’s bed, her fragile frame raised to the mattress by the master’s arms, her warm-blooded mass a luxury on these cold winter’s nights. The other dogs slept outside in the pen, as they were doing now, quietly, while the goatherd raked manure by lantern light.

“Good dog,” the goatherd said during a moment of rest.

The whistle dog’s ears perked slightly, but she didn’t raise her chin from the ground. She was comfortable.

When the goatherd was done for the night, he tossed the rake against the barn door and dimmed the lantern. He sat on the ground and stretched his long legs out straight in front of him. He tossed a few scraps of bread to his companion.

“Good dog,” he said again. The dog let out a light groan of relief, like a hum. She tended to stick by the goatherd at night after the other dogs fell asleep in their pens by the house. During the day, she continued to make eye contact with the goats from afar, which the goatherd surmised preserved the dog’s sense of occupational purpose. But she couldn’t be a runner anymore. And she hadn’t chased a goat off a rock or ledge for months.

A rumble from the sky perked up the dog’s ears again and opened wide her eyes, which caught a gold twinkle just as a lightning streak flashed above. The goatherd looked skyward to find stars, and he found some, but they were faint and sparse. Storm clouds had moved in.

After a few more rumbles and their accompanying flashes, the goatherd rose to his feet.

“Come on, girl, it’s time,” he said, even though no drops had fallen. The dog rose reluctantly and stood in place, making sure the goatherd was heading home before commencing the walk herself. The man had only traveled a few paces when another streak of lightning slashed the sky just overhead, this one neither preceding nor following a rumble. Both man and dog looked up instantly, not wanting to miss such a sight. In fact, they couldn’t possibly have missed it. The jagged vein of white remained overhead, locked in its position, locked in time, the violence of its energy pulsating barely a half-mile up, its top end fading into invisible clouds, its bottom end thinning as it approached the earth somewhere far to the east, as if on its way to Moldova.

The dog seemed to lose interest after a few moments, so she lowered herself back to the ground and stared off toward the village, which still teemed with silent life.

The goatherd, on the other hand, couldn’t cease his skyward gaze as the streak was brightest just overhead. In fact, his neck soon became tight. Ideas grew quickly in his mind. It was something, or someone, extra-terrestrial paying a visit to Bukovina or Moldova. It was a glitch, a freeze in time, which would end shortly so the lightening could continue on its course. It was a military maneuver of some sort, or an attack by the Ukrainians or Russians. It was an optical illusion, his eyes tricked by physics. None of these ideas stuck, however, so he was forced to ponder some more, but no explanations came forth. He closed his eyes for fifteen seconds, then looked again to spy any movements or vibrations coming from the streak, but none were detectable. He turned his glance down toward the village to see if lights had turned on, if residents had come outside to look, but it appeared just the same as before. When the dog moaned in comfort again, the sound broke the silence that had been sustained for several minutes. It dawned on the goatherd that the thunder had stopped. No more thunder. There had been no rain. No more lightening. It was as if the storm had aborted its mission in mid-strike. It was as if nature had suddenly paused.

The goatherd’s wife was Crina, named for the lily, and the only moments when he didn’t behold her to be as beautiful as the flower were right before she walked out on him.

“Roxana’s desperate,” she’d said, bag around her shoulder. “She needs her big sister.”

Roxana was Crina’s younger sister who had recently given birth to her dead husband’s twins and with whom Crina had just decided to live back in Brasov twelve hours away. Roxana needed assistance caring for the babies, according to Crina, but Roxana had five other sisters who lived in neighboring villages. This was just Crina’s latest ploy to leave this place.

“You’ve wanted to leave since the day he died,” said the goatherd. His father’s death had created a hole in their marriage three months earlier, one that let in a frightening coldness the goatherd had never experienced. They had been forced together, but it hadn’t felt like force at the time. In fact, he’d long appreciated Crina’s respect and affection for his father as a fortuitous underpinning of their marriage. What he hadn’t suspected was that the old man’s absence would drain the marriage of purpose.

Crina shook her head, mostly to avoid her own tears. She felt abandoned and insecure and wouldn’t bother denying it. It was true, the father had been her strength. In fact, it was the father, a widower for nearly ten years at the time, who had introduced her to the son. She’d been half-drunk as usual in a Iasi bar on a Friday afternoon when the old man walked up to her and gazed at her peacefully, as if willing her to put her glass down and calm herself, which she did. He lit a cigarette and offered her one. Then they talked and drank coffee. As she sobered up, he asked about her life, her family, her drunkenness. At no point did she feel threatened by him even though he was twice her age and even though he once said she resembled his dead wife. They sat on stools and stared ahead at the bar owner as she performed quotidian tasks like drying glasses and stacking six-packs of Coke. Crina told him about her large family back in Brasov, how she had followed a boy here to Suceava, how that hadn’t worked out, how she now worked as a maid for a monastery, where she slept in a dark room and occasionally stole wine. She was too ashamed to return to her family, even though she knew they would accept her with open arms. He told her he had a son just about her age.

Once it became dark, he excused himself to water his donkeys outside, which made her chuckle.

“They have a long journey ahead,” he said when back inside. He told her he’d be coming back to Iasi the following Friday — it was the busy season — and wanted to see her again but only if she wasn’t drinking.  She agreed, and when they met again the next Friday, she told him she had only drunk a few days that week. Then, the next Friday, she smiled brightly when announcing that she hadn’t drunk at all that week, and had stolen no more wine. He nodded as if that was good.

The old man made her laugh without knowing it. When he talked about his donkeys, his goats, even when he told stories about his dead wife and how she had often berated him for waking up too early or overcooking the rice.  He was very fond of his son, who had to stay home to tend the flock when the old man came here to the market, and told Crina he hoped she would meet him sometime.  And so it was arranged.

The following Friday, she rode back to the village with him. While cars zipped past the carriage, the donkeys walked ahead unfazed. Several times, she laughed at the sky, wondering what on earth her family would think of this strange adventure she was taking. When they arrived at the village, it was eight o’clock at night. He pointed to the top of an enormous hill, where she spied an orange speck like a hovering star.  His son had lit a fire.  The donkeys pulled the wagon and its passengers up the hill very slowly, languidly, their back muscles straining and losing their fight. At the top, the old man watered the donkeys some more and then escorted Crina toward the blaze, where his son’s figure became visible. He introduced Crina to him, saying, “She’s gonna help us around the house.”

Crina and the old man had not talked about that. She was just visiting. Instead of correcting him, she shook the son’s hand, which, along with his nervous, smiling face, glowed in the firelight. She saw that he was a tall boy, much taller than his father, and was holding a walking stick as tall as Crina. He had wavy, black hair and a strong Romanian nose. As for the goatherd, he had seen prettier girls in the village, but none who shone with the confidence of this Crina. She didn’t pretend to be demure. She had short-cut hair and a chin raised with pride. Her brown eyes didn’t appear to conceal much. He could tell her breasts were full even beneath her coat. Her brow crinkled as if awaiting his decision.

Crina never returned to the monastery again.

When the old man died the following year, Crina wanted to shut down the farm and return to Brasov with her husband, who opposed the idea out of respect for his father and the family name. He wanted to make his father proud by running the business, not just tending to the animals, but Crina reminded him that that wasn’t his strength and that there were plentiful farms in the Carpathians where he could be free to work in the pastures without the worries of industry. He could birth, rear, feed, milk and slaughter the goats for someone else. And sheep too! Farms were larger in the mountains. He could earn a solid wage.

The conflict worsened every day and a gulf of silence formed between them. They performed their allotted chores and ate meals together, but little else.

One day, Crina brought him a glass of juice outside, which he drank without pausing. When he returned the empty glass to her, she told him she was leaving.

“You have no faith in me,” the goatherd said.

Crina stared off toward the barn, feeling the stare of the whistle dog nearby but instinctively avoiding eye contact with the animal. A tear bloomed in her eye.

“I had faith in him.”

The whistle dog’s muzzle pointed toward the goatherd, whose attention was fixed on the white streak in the sky. It wasn’t yellow or gold as he had always envisioned a lightning flash to be, but now that it was cemented in the sky, he could see it was bright white, like it was made of pure light, devoid of any color or hue, as if comprised not of a color, but of the source of all color.

He turned away from the heavens only when she barked. One quick bark. Another when they made eye contact along with a timid wag of the tail, signaling something between fear and joy. Then a series of barks, like gentle gunfire, which rolled along as she raised her head and craned her neck with curiosity until the barks came faster, staccato, then faster into a continuous stream of sound, like a soprano howl, baying at the night. The goatherd had to chuckle. Not too far away, the other dogs had awoken from their slumber and, one by one, joined in. Soon a chorus of howls, in verse and refrain, called out to the hills, called out for any man or woman who could hear, anyone east or west, anyone in Moldova or Transylvania, in the valley or on the highest Carpathian peak, either as warning or consolation, and this chorus would attract other creatures in the vicinity and beyond; it was a song not meant for dogs and humans alone, but for beasts by the thousands, for either consciousness or instinct, for all the living to respond to a wonder in the sky.

Occasionally, there was a pause, and during one such pause a new type of howl called from the darkness. This call was extremely dim and from the opposite direction, from the bottom of the hillside by the road, and this was a howl of anguish. It was coming from a human, and it was coming from the clinic, whose lights were glowing alive now. Activity inside. A most dreaded activity. The dogs continued to howl from the kennel, but the whistle dog was silent now. After nearly two minutes of song, she had withdrawn from the chorus, as if out of respect for the suffering.

Almost instinctively, the goatherd wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck and threw bread to the dog.

“Eat this, and I’ll be back.”

The goatherd walked to the edge and began stepping down the hillside, which was extremely steep for a human if not for a goat. Stones and gravel slid in front and behind and his boots twisted with every step, but he sought human companionship. He sought affirmation that time had stopped and that dogs were singing.

When he arrived at the roadside, the woman’s cry had displaced entirely the distant howling. A cry with a groan, punctuated by deep breathing and authoritative words from two other voices, one male and one female. The goatherd tapped his boots onto the gravel driveway that vaguely welcomed visitors to the little house with a “Medicul” sign in front. Here’s where he saw the donkeys, their eyes closed in standing sleep as they waited, yoked to the wooden cart stuffed with hay at their backs. He patted one of the donkeys as he approached the clinic’s front door, which jingled softly as he opened it. Inside, the overhead fluorescent light offended him, so he winced. He heard the voices speaking Romanian in the backroom — the doctor and his daughter, whose name he recalled was Maria — but also a louder voice, a booming male voice, speaking an unrecognizable language. This voice sounded frightened.

Maria peeked from the back room to spy the goatherd in the waiting area, vaguely recognizing him as the neighbor on the hill.

“Have you seen the sky?” he asked her, then felt stupid about it.  She cocked her head and stared at him with bewilderment. That’s when he noticed the blood on her plastic gloves.

“We’re closed,” she said, then returned to the back room. “Except for emergencies,” she shouted as clarification.

He considered going home or standing with the donkeys, but instead he took a seat on a tattered green cushion with an uncomfortable metal frame. It wasn’t long before the cries and shouts had faded and the spirit of the clinic had calmed. A tall, Middle Eastern man appeared from the back, his face red and his eyes avoiding contact with the goatherd. He exited the clinic right away. Through a small side window, the goatherd could see his forehead touch the forehead of one of the donkeys. It was like they were sharing a secret.

Maria re-appeared now. Her apron and gloves had been removed. Her father came behind her, nodded at the goatherd and exited to a side door which led to the residence. (He and Maria lived upstairs). Maria began making notes in a folder behind the reception desk. As she wrote, she automatically raised a hand and released her hair from its large plastic clip. Long hair was frowned upon during an emergency.

“You tend the goats,” she finally said, not looking up from her notes.

The goatherd said he did.

“Are you ill?”

He said he was not.

“My father’s not a veterinarian.”

“I’m not here because of the goats,” he said.  He was about to tell her about the sky, to ask if she’d seen it or if she’d heard the dogs singing and what conclusions had she drawn about these things, but he didn’t want to feel dumb, so instead he asked her what had happened in the back room. Not for a moment did he wonder if such a question might be an invasion of privacy.

“She’s resting,” Maria said, her green eyes now acknowledging his presence. “It’s very sad.”

With minimal prompting from the goatherd, Maria volunteered the patient’s story. She had arrived with her husband Youssef, who just went outside. They were from a city called Daraa in the southern part of Syria. The Syrian government had forced them and their neighbors to scatter. They’d been traveling off and on for fourteen months already, making stops to camp, to work odd jobs, to accept the generosity of strangers, to purchase the donkeys, which were too old and too slow. They’d hoped to arrive in Suceava to meet up with distant cousins before the baby came, but it came very, very early. Too early. And now it was back there dead.

Maria showed little emotion. The goatherd knew that emotion and medicine didn’t go well together. That’s why she’d better not show it. She wasn’t cold though, just matter-of-fact. She rose and returned to the backroom matter-of-factly. What was there left for her to do, the goatherd wondered. What was it like for a woman to feel finally empty in her womb but have no baby? He rose and gently walked, almost tiptoed, to the door that swung open to the backroom. He pushed on it softly. It opened onto a hallway, so he entered. He smelled a chemical and heard Maria’s voice speaking. In a room on the right, she was standing next to a cot where another young woman lay with her eyes closed. Maria must have known the woman couldn’t understand her, but spoke anyway. She had a comforting tone of voice, so maybe the woman appreciated that. A glass of water stood on the table beside the woman’s cot, and a tube fed her nutrients through a needle in her arm. She may be empty, but she looked at peace, the goatherd thought. She wasn’t out of breath. She wasn’t weeping. She even moved her body a little to get more comfortable so that Maria could check her blood pressure.

The goatherd turned, unsure if he was satisfied, unsure what he had hoped to see, and retreated toward the door that would swing him back into the reception area. That’s when he glimpsed it. There was a room across the hall from where the patient rested. The door was open and it was dark inside, but rays of white light entered through a long, flat window up high near the ceiling. The rays were brighter than moonlight because they were made of lightning light, the source of all light, and they led the goatherd’s eyes to settle on the little body that lay on a metal table. It was laid on its stomach, its big dead head with its cheek to the metal, its eyes closed (had they ever opened, even for a second?) and its little torso wearing a few splotches of blood. The goatherd entered the room and felt his heart sinking. He touched the baby’s little toes, stroked the cheek of his little bum. Then he worried that maybe he should be wearing gloves, even though it was dead, so he reached for one on a shelf but yanked his hand back when he felt a sting. A surgical knife had cut him. The lightning shone brightly. The blood on his finger glistened and the table’s surface reflected on all sides of the body. Once gloves were on, the goatherd lifted the baby with both hands and held it against his chest. He tried to open one of its eyes. He tried to wrap its tiny fingers around one of his own. He thought about the lightning outside and how much longer it would be there. He thought about the tricks nature was capable of playing, and he wondered if this bundle of stillness in his arms could be a trick too. The room where he stood had an exit outside to the rear of the clinic, so he used it to return to the cool night, babe in arms.

“Can you see that?” he asked the little body while nudging its skull to give it a view of the lightning in the sky. If the baby could open its eyes, if it could live just for a moment, it could see the miracle.

“Can you hear that?” he asked. The dogs were still howling up the hill. This too was unnatural. A nearby brook was babbling. He reflected on his losses: his father and his wife, and soon his dog. But instead of mourning, instead of bowing his head in despair and disappointment, he studied the baby’s form in his arms and thought to himself how unfair not to be alive on a night like this. He rocked the baby in his arms, walking in slow circles, wishing it might open its eyes or its heart might take a beat, wishing and waiting for its arrival.

The whistle dog had never been down the hill, not even when she was young and agile. She had gazed at the hills and the houses her whole life, but never had the instinct to chase after them, to spring into the world below and beyond. She’d always had what she needed here with her master and the goats. This night was different. The master had gone down. He had encountered something. 

While the other dogs continued their song, she took slow, difficult steps down the hill. Her hind legs were shaking and convulsing without pause. She fell on her side and had to steady herself on all four paws. She had to do this regularly. On the rocky section she stumbled and landed on her hind knee joints, which began to bleed. She would use her front paws to drag herself if necessary. The master was in view. His shape, his silhouette, stood outside, behind the little house, and he was holding something. She panted heavily and stumbled onto her side again. She felt no pain — she had felt nothing at all back there for many days — but she yelped a few times anyway, maybe out of fear. Or maybe because she missed him so much. She could call out for his attention, but he was having an experience and she needn’t disturb him. How she wished to be with him though.

The farther down she crawled, the other dogs sang more softly, more distantly. She could roll the rest of the way if she knew how to roll. She could fly if she knew how to fly. But she was trapped on these four legs, two that barely worked and two that were aching with exhaustion. Her insides felt funny now too. Like she was boiling up. She had to pause her trek to lean over and lick her side. Licking sometimes brought relief.

She kept going, inch by inch, one of her rear legs now just hanging, doing no work at all, the other making paw contact with the ground, but each step was a sharp heave and rarely did the paw make it to its next step without the need to adjust and stabilize and rest before the next. But, she was getting closer now. She could make out his nose. She always noticed his nose first because it was big and wide. He was bobbing softly on his knees and swaying a bundle in his arms gently. How she wished that bundle could be her.

She made it to about thirty feet away from him before settling to rest and gaze at her master as his smile caught the shine of the lightning streak. She had seen him smile many times, but not as big and happily as this. She forgot all about her legs to see him so happy. The gurgling of nearby water calmed her too. Was it water? A little twig was moving in his arms. Maybe a twig, but it had tiny leaves at the end of it and they wiggled too. Were they leaves? Maybe it wasn’t a twig at all but something more alive than that. Something reaching out. The master smiled and smiled and then he gasped extremely loud when the bundle’s mouth opened because a moment later a shrieking sound came out of it.  A high-pitched, violent shrieking like she had never heard before, but this terrible, terrible noise only made her master laugh up at the sky and laugh some more. She knew he was rejoicing.

A minute later, shouts erupted throughout the clinic. The doctor raced downstairs upon hearing the baby’s cry. Maria screamed in shock, but couldn’t tell where the cry came from, or which way to run. Even the patient sat up on the cot and called out. The goatherd had raced to the front of the clinic, where the father named Youssef grabbed him by the shoulder, turned him around and studied the contents of his arms. It was the same. The same body they had removed from the room when all hope had been lost. “No!” he shouted nonsensically, then fell to his knees in front of the goatherd, who crouched to show him the child and its curious fingers and its cheeks already tired from wailing. Youssef took the child and held it, tears jumping from his eyes. The doctor arrived, aghast and pressing his hand against his chest. Maria arrived shortly, supporting the patient, who inched toward the child with an expression of grave bewilderment and doubt. Her husband turned to show her the infant. She touched its sobbing head and studied its form, still perhaps suspecting a trick. The father handed her the baby, which she enfolded into her bosom. Maria led her to sit down on the back of the cart, which was soft with hay. The donkeys were wide awake now, seemingly curious about this new revelation. The mother cried, holding the child as if it would never leave her again, not for all eternity.

As Youssef cradled his wife, who cradled their son, nobody asked the goatherd what exactly had happened, what led him to the backroom. Nobody asked for details. Nobody cared about that.

The baby finally ceased its wailing, allowing the silence of the night to soothe their spirits. Maria couldn’t stop grinning. The doctor looked extremely satisfied, but shivered in the brisk mountain air. From behind them all came a little yelp. The goatherd turned to spy the whistle dog lying in the gravel a few feet away. He gulped a sudden breath and scrambled to it.

“What?” he exclaimed.  “How?”

The dog’s body was posed unnaturally, its four legs twisted in four directions. It was bleeding and panting and making no attempt to stand or sit or even move. The goatherd sat down next to the animal and removed his rubber gloves. He rested his palm on the animal’s side, stroking slowly and gently.

“Good dog,” he said. That’s all there was to be said.

The doctor studied the animal from his position beside the cart, his attention diverted from the living baby, his expression distracted from its uncontrollable glee. He was concerned by what he saw. The ravaged body. The lowered head. He excused himself as if the sight was objectionable.

The dog’s eyes closed as the goatherd stroked its back. Her panting was steadier, more regulated, than during her journey. She held her head up, welcoming her master’s affection.

The goatherd recalled the morning of the dog’s birth. He’d been sitting on the ground next to its mother just as he was sitting now. He recalled the squeaks she had made as she hunted for the mother’s teat, her eyes not yet opened, just like the baby’s now. The goatherd’s father had stayed in the barn working; birthing dogs held no interest for him. In fact, puppies in general were uninteresting to him. A dog was valuable only when it possessed active herding skills, he’d said.

The goatherd thought of Crina too. The dog was born many years before she came into their lives. And the dog was still here now that she’s gone. She had rarely interacted with the dogs. She fed them scraps after dinner and gave water occasionally on the hottest days, but otherwise she hadn’t been dedicated to the dogs. They’d had little to offer her besides companionship, but companionship was abstract and insufficient.

As the goatherd pet her muzzle, he noticed the blood on his finger, and so did the dog, which wrapped its old pink tongue around the wound, as if tasting a treat.

“You and your tiny mind,” the goatherd whispered. “You believe in me.”

The doctor reappeared and sat on the dog’s other side, holding a syringe in his hand. The goatherd was unsurprised by this and gave no resistance. The doctor only said three words to the goatherd. Three gentle words.

“She’s ready now.”

While the doctor fidgeted with his syringe by the dog’s rear end, the goatherd placed his forehead against the dog’s. She had stopped panting. Her eyes stared at him brightly — this was the closest their faces had ever been. And it was all she could have ever wanted. This was her destination. A moment later, her eyelids sank, so he released her chin, letting it fall gently to the gravel.

After a few quiet moments had passed, the goatherd pulled the whistle dog partly onto this lap. She was still fairly warm, but her heart had stopped. Like the baby only a few minutes ago, she was just an object in his arms. He stroked her fur and looked up at the sky. The lightning was fading quickly. Look at the light before it’s all gone, he thought, before nature resumes its course and time again moves towards tomorrow.

When the lightning had disappeared entirely, the night became cooler, but nobody moved. The family rocked together in the hay. The doctor had dropped the syringe in his lap and closed his eyes. Maria leaned against the cart as if mesmerized by everything that had happened. The goatherd ruminated. Nobody knows when life begins or ends, not really, he thought. Nobody knows when time ceases and light prevails. Where does this child exist? And this dog? Where is Crina, if not right here? These are the kinds of questions that grazed the goatherd’s soul in these silent moments on this remarkable night in the hills of Bukovina.


Leon says of his background: “By way of background, I hold an MFA in Creative Writing and currently teach graduate-level writing and communications at City University of New York and Johns Hopkins University.  Twice nominated for the Pushcart Prize, my fiction has been published in The New Haven Review, The Westchester Review, The Stockholm Review of Literature, Thug Lit, Pulp Modern, and Union Station Magazine, among others.  I served as editor for Now What? The Creative Writer’s Guide to Success after the MFA (Fairfield University Press, 2014), an anthology of essays and articles about the writing life.  A lifelong fan of psychological crime fiction, I am also founding editor and publisher of Heart of Noir
(https://heartofnoir.com), a comprehensive website showcasing the
classic film noir cycle and its literary influences.”


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“Old Garfield’s Heart” Horror by Robert E. Howard (1933)

I WAS SITTING on the porch when my grandfather hobbled out and sank down on his favorite chair with the cushioned seat, and began to stuff tobacco in his old corncob-pipe.

“I thought you’d be goin’ to the dance,” he said.

“I’m waiting for Doc Blaine,” I answered. “I’m going over to old man Garfield’s with him.”

My grandfather sucked at his pipe awhile before he spoke again.

“Old Jim purty bad off?”

“Doc says he hasn’t a chance.”

“Who’s takin’ care of him?”

“Joe Braxton—­against Garfield’s wishes. But somebody had to stay with him.”

My grandfather sucked his pipe noisily, and watched the heat lightning playing away off up in the hills; then he said: “You think old Jim’s the biggest liar in this county, don’t you?”

“He tells some pretty tall tales,” I admitted. “Some of the things he claimed he took part in, must have happened before he was born.”

“I came from Tennesee to Texas in 1870,” my grandfather said abruptly. “I saw this town of Lost Knob grow up from nothin’. There wasn’t even a log-hut store here when I came. But old Jim Garfield was here, livin’ in the same place he lives now, only then it was a log cabin. He don’t look a day older now than he did the first time I saw him.”

“You never mentioned that before,” I said in some surprise.

“I knew you’d put it down to an old man’s maunderin’s,” he answered. “Old Jim was the first white man to settle in this country. He built his cabin a good fifty miles west of the frontier. God knows how he done it, for these hills swarmed with Comanches then.

“I remember the first time I ever saw him. Even then everybody called him ‘old Jim.’

“I remember him tellin’ me the same tales he’s told you—­how he was at the battle of San Jacinto when he was a youngster, and how he’d rode with Ewen Cameron and Jack Hayes. Only I believe him, and you don’t.”

“That was so long ago—­” I protested.

“The last Indian raid through this country was in 1874,” said my grandfather, engrossed in his own reminiscences. “I was in on that fight, and so was old Jim. I saw him knock old Yellow Tail off his mustang at seven hundred yards with a buffalo rifle.

“But before that I was with him in a fight up near the head of Locust Creek. A band of Comanches came down Mesquital, lootin’ and burnin’, rode through the hills and started back up Locust Creek, and a scout of us were hot on their heels. We ran on to them just at sundown in a mesquite flat. We killed seven of them, and the rest skinned out through the brush on foot. But three of our boys were killed, and Jim Garfield got a thrust in the breast with a lance.

“It was an awful wound. He lay like a dead man, and it seemed sure nobody could live after a wound like that. But an old Indian came out of the brush, and when we aimed our guns at him, he made the peace sign and spoke to us in Spanish. I don’t know why the boys didn’t shoot him in his tracks, because our blood was heated with the fightin’ and killin’, but somethin’ about him made us hold our fire. He said he wasn’t a Comanche, but was an old friend of Garfield’s, and wanted to help him. He asked us to carry Jim into a clump of mesquite, and leave him alone with him, and to this day I don’t know why we did, but we did. It was an awful time—­the wounded moanin’ and callin’ for water, the starin’ corpses strewn about the camp, night comin’ on, and no way of knowin’ that the Indians wouldn’t return when dark fell.

“We made camp right there, because the horses were fagged out, and we watched all night, but the Comanches didn’t come back. I don’t know what went on out in the mesquite where Jim Garfield’s body lay, because I never saw that strange Indian again; but durin’ the night I kept hearin’ a weird moanin’ that wasn’t made by the dyin’ men, and an owl hooted from midnight till dawn.

“And at sunrise Jim Garfield came walkin’ out of the mesquite, pale and haggard, but alive, and already the wound in his breast had closed and begun to heal. And since then he’s never mentioned that wound, nor that fight, nor the strange Indian who came and went so mysteriously. And he hasn’t aged a bit; he looks now just like he did then—­a man of about fifty.”

In the silence that followed, a car began to purr down the road, and twin shafts of light cut through the dusk.

“That’s Doc Blaine,” I said. “When I come back I’ll tell you how Garfield is.”

Doc Blaine was prompt with his predictions as we drove the three miles of post-oak covered hills that lay between Lost Knob and the Garfield farm.

“I’ll be surprised to find him alive,” he said, “smashed up like he is. A man his age ought to have more sense than to try to break a young horse.”

“He doesn’t look so old,” I remarked.

“I’ll be fifty, my next birthday,” answered Doc Blaine. “I’ve known him all my life, and he must have been at least fifty the first time I ever saw him. His looks are deceiving.”

Old Garfield’s dwelling-place was reminiscent of the past. The boards of the low squat house had never known paint. Orchard fence and corrals were built of rails.

Old Jim lay on his rude bed, tended crudely but efficiently by the man Doc Blaine had hired over the old man’s protests. As I looked at him, I was impressed anew by his evident vitality. His frame was stooped but unwithered, his limbs rounded out with springy muscles. In his corded neck and in his face, drawn though it was with suffering, was apparent an innate virility. His eyes, though partly glazed with pain, burned with the same unquenchable element.

“He’s been ravin’,” said Joe Braxton stolidly.

“First white man in this country,” muttered old Jim, becoming intelligible. “Hills no white man ever set foot in before. Gettin’ too old. Have to settle down. Can’t move on like I used to. Settle down here. Good country before it filled up with cow-men and squatters. Wish Ewen Cameron could see this country. The Mexicans shot him. Damn ’em!”

Doc Blaine shook his head. “He’s all smashed up inside. He won’t live till daylight.”

Garfield unexpectedly lifted his head and looked at us with clear eyes.

“Wrong, Doc,” he wheezed, his breath whistling with pain. “I’ll live. What’s broken bones and twisted guts? Nothin’! It’s the heart that counts. Long as the heart keeps pumpin’, a man can’t die. My heart’s sound. Listen to it! Feel of it!”

He groped painfully for Doc Blaine’s wrist, dragged his hand to his bosom and held it there, staring up into the doctor’s face with avid intensity.

“Regular dynamo, ain’t it?” he gasped. “Stronger’n a gasoline engine!”

Blaine beckoned me. “Lay your hand here,” he said, placing my hand on the old man’s bare breast. “He does have a remarkable heart action.”

I noted, in the light of the coal-oil lamp, a great livid scar in the gaunt arching breast—­such a scar as might be made by a flint-headed spear. I laid my hand directly on this scar, and an exclamation escaped my lips.

Under my hand old Jim Garfield’s heart pulsed, but its throb was like no other heart action I have ever observed. Its power was astounding; his ribs vibrated to its steady throb. It felt more like the vibrating of a dynamo than the action of a human organ. I could feel its amazing vitality radiating from his breast, stealing up into my hand and up my arm, until my own heart seemed to speed up in response.

“I can’t die,” old Jim gasped. “Not so long as my heart’s in my breast. Only a bullet through the brain can kill me. And even then I wouldn’t be rightly dead, as long as my heart beats in my breast. Yet it ain’t rightly mine, either. It belongs to Ghost Man, the Lipan chief. It was the heart of a god the Lipans worshipped before the Comanches drove ’em out of their native hills.

“I knew Ghost Man down on the Rio Grande, when I was with Ewen Cameron. I saved his life from the Mexicans once. He tied the string of ghost wampum between him and me—­the wampum no man but me and him can see or feel. He came when he knowed I needed him, in that fight up on the headwaters of Locust Creek, when I got this scar.

“I was dead as a man can be. My heart was sliced in two, like the heart of a butchered beef steer.

“All night Ghost Man did magic, callin’ my ghost back from spirit-land. I remember that flight, a little. It was dark, and gray-like, and I drifted through gray mists and heard the dead wailin’ past me in the mist. But Ghost Man brought me back.

“He took out what was left of my mortal heart, and put the heart of the god in my bosom. But it’s his, and when I’m through with it, he’ll come for it. It’s kept me alive and strong for the lifetime of a man. Age can’t touch me. What do I care if these fools around here call me an old liar? What I know, I know. But hark’ee!”

His fingers became claws, clamping fiercely on Doc Blaine’s wrist. His old eyes, old yet strangely young, burned fierce as those of an eagle under his bushy brows.

“If by some mischance I should die, now or later, promise me this! Cut into my bosom and take out the heart Ghost Man lent me so long ago! It’s his. And as long as it beats in my body, my spirit’ll be tied to that body, though my head be crushed like an egg underfoot! A livin’ thing in a rottin’ body! Promise!”

“All right, I promise,” replied Doc Blaine, to humor him, and old Jim Garfield sank back with a whistling sigh of relief.

He did not die that night, nor the next, nor the next. I well remember the next day, because it was that day that I had the fight with Jack Kirby.

People will take a good deal from a bully, rather than to spill blood. Because nobody had gone to the trouble of killing him, Kirby thought the whole countryside was afraid of him.

He had bought a steer from my father, and when my father went to collect for it, Kirby told him that he had paid the money to me—­which was a lie. I went looking for Kirby, and came upon him in a bootleg joint, boasting of his toughness, and telling the crowd that he was going to beat me up and make me say that he had paid me the money, and that I had stuck it into my own pocket. When I heard him say that, I saw red, and ran in on him with a stockman’s knife, and cut him across the face, and in the neck, side, breast and belly, and the only thing that saved his life was the fact that the crowd pulled me off.

There was a preliminary hearing, and I was indicted on a charge of assault, and my trial was set for the following term of court. Kirby was as tough-fibered as a post-oak country bully ought to be, and he recovered, swearing vengeance, for he was vain of his looks, though God knows why, and I had permanently impaired them.

And while Jack Kirby was recovering, old man Garfield recovered too, to the amazement of everybody, especially Doc Blaine.

I well remember the night Doc Blaine took me again out to old Jim Garfield’s farm. I was in Shifty Corlan’s joint, trying to drink enough of the slop he called beer to get a kick out of it, when Doc Blaine came in and persuaded me to go with him.

As we drove along the winding old road in Doc’s car, I asked: “Why are you insistent that I go with you this particular night? This isn’t a professional call, is it?”

“No,” he said. “You couldn’t kill old Jim with a post-oak maul. He’s completely recovered from injuries that ought to have killed an ox. To tell the truth, Jack Kirby is in Lost Knob, swearing he’ll shoot you on sight.”

“Well, for God’s sake!” I exclaimed angrily. “Now everybody’ll think I left town because I was afraid of him. Turn around and take me back, damn it!”

“Be reasonable,” said Doc. “Everybody knows you’re not afraid of Kirby. Nobody’s afraid of him now. His bluff’s broken, and that’s why he’s so wild against you. But you can’t afford to have any more trouble with him now, and your trial only a short time off.”

I laughed and said: “Well, if he’s looking for me hard enough, he can find me as easily at old Garfield’s as in town, because Shifty Corlan heard you say where we were going. And Shifty’s hated me ever since I skinned him in that horse-swap last fall. He’ll tell Kirby where I went.”

“I never thought of that,” said Doc Blaine, worried.

“Hell, forget it,” I advised. “Kirby hasn’t got guts enough to do anything but blow.”

But I was mistaken. Puncture a bully’s vanity and you touch his one vital spot.

Old Jim had not gone to bed when we got there. He was sitting in the room opening on to his sagging porch, the room which was at once living-room and bedroom, smoking his old cob pipe and trying to read a newspaper by the light of his coal-oil lamp. All the windows and doors were wide open for the coolness, and the insects which swarmed in and fluttered around the lamp didn’t seem to bother him.

We sat down and discussed the weather—­which isn’t so inane as one might suppose, in a country where men’s livelihood depends on sun and rain, and is at the mercy of wind and drouth. The talk drifted into other kindred channels, and after some time, Doc Blaine bluntly spoke of something that hung in his mind.

“Jim,” he said, “that night I thought you were dying, you babbled a lot of stuff about your heart, and an Indian who lent you his. How much of that was delirium?”

“None, Doc,” said Garfield, pulling at his pipe. “It was gospel truth. Ghost Man, the Lipan priest of the Gods of Night, replaced my dead, torn heart with one from somethin’ he worshipped. I ain’t sure myself just what that somethin’ is—­somethin’ from away back and a long way off, he said. But bein’ a god, it can do without its heart for awhile. But when I die—­if I ever get my head smashed so my consciousness is destroyed—­the heart must be given back to Ghost Man.”

“You mean you were in earnest about cutting out your heart?” demanded Doc Blaine.

“It has to be,” answered old Garfield. “A livin’ thing in a dead thing is opposed to nat’er. That’s what Ghost Man said.”

“Who the devil was Ghost Man?”

“I told you. A witch-doctor of the Lipans, who dwelt in this country before the Comanches came down from the Staked Plains and drove ’em south across the Rio Grande. I was a friend to ’em. I reckon Ghost Man is the only one left alive.”

“Alive? Now?”

“I dunno,” confessed old Jim. “I dunno whether he’s alive or dead. I dunno whether he was alive when he came to me after the fight on Locust Creek, or even if he was alive when I knowed him in the southern country. Alive as we understand life, I mean.”

“What balderdash is this?” demanded Doc Blaine uneasily, and I felt a slight stirring in my hair. Outside was stillness, and the stars, and the black shadows of the post-oak woods. The lamp cast old Garfield’s shadow grotesquely on the wall, so that it did not at all resemble that of a human, and his words were strange as words heard in a nightmare.

“I knowed you wouldn’t understand,” said old Jim. “I don’t understand myself, and I ain’t got the words to explain them things I feel and know without understandin’. The Lipans were kin to the Apaches, and the Apaches learnt curious things from the Pueblos. Ghost Man was—­that’s all I can say—­alive or dead, I don’t know, but he was. What’s more, he is.”

“Is it you or me that’s crazy?” asked Doc Blaine.

“Well,” said old Jim, “I’ll tell you this much—­Ghost Man knew Coronado.”

“Crazy as a loon!” murmured Doc Blaine. Then he lifted his head. “What’s that?”

“Horse turning in from the road,” I said. “Sounds like it stopped.”

I stepped to the door, like a fool, and stood etched in the light behind me. I got a glimpse of a shadowy bulk I knew to be a man on a horse; then Doc Blaine yelled: “Look out!” and threw himself against me, knocking us both sprawling. At the same instant I heard the smashing report of a rifle, and old Garfield grunted and fell heavily.

“Jack Kirby!” screamed Doc Blaine. “He’s killed Jim!”

I scrambled up, hearing the clatter of retreating hoofs, snatched old Jim’s shotgun from the wall, rushed recklessly out on to the sagging porch and let go both barrels at the fleeing shape, dim in the starlight. The charge was too light to kill at that range, but the bird-shot stung the horse and maddened him. He swerved, crashed headlong through a rail fence and charged across the orchard, and a peach tree limb knocked his rider out of the saddle. He never moved after he hit the ground. I ran out there and looked down at him. It was Jack Kirby, right enough, and his neck was broken like a rotten branch.

I let him lie, and ran back to the house. Doc Blaine had stretched old Garfield out on a bench he’d dragged in from the porch, and Doc’s face was whiter than I’d ever seen it. Old Jim was a ghastly sight; he had been shot with an old-fashioned .45-70, and at that range the heavy ball had literally torn off the top of his head. His features were masked with blood and brains. He had been directly behind me, poor old devil, and he had stopped the slug meant for me.

Doc Blaine was trembling, though he was anything but a stranger to such sights.

“Would you pronounce him dead?” he asked.

“That’s for you to say.” I answered. “But even a fool could tell that he’s dead.

“He is dead,” said Doc Blaine in a strained unnatural voice. “Rigor mortis is already setting in. But feel his heart!”

I did, and cried out. The flesh was already cold and clammy; but beneath it that mysterious heart still hammered steadily away, like a dynamo in a deserted house. No blood coursed through those veins; yet the heart pounded, pounded, pounded, like the pulse of Eternity.

“A living thing in a dead thing,” whispered Doc Blaine, cold sweat on his face. “This is opposed to nature. I am going to keep the promise I made him. I’ll assume full responsibility. This is too monstrous to ignore.”

Our implements were a butcher-knife and a hack-saw. Outside only the still stars looked down on the black post-oak shadows and the dead man that lay in the orchard. Inside, the old lamp flickered, making strange shadows move and shiver and cringe in the corners, and glistened on the blood on the floor, and the red-dabbled figure on the bench. The only sound inside was the crunch of the saw-edge in bone; outside an owl began to hoot weirdly.

Doc Blaine thrust a red-stained hand into the aperture he had made, and drew out a red, pulsing object that caught the lamplight. With a choked cry he recoiled, and the thing slipped from his fingers and fell on the table. And I too cried out involuntarily. For it did not fall with a soft meaty thud, as a piece of flesh should fall. It thumped hard on the table.

Impelled by an irresistible urge, I bent and gingerly picked up old Garfield’s heart. The feel of it was brittle, unyielding, like steel or stone, but smoother than either. In size and shape it was the duplicate of a human heart, but it was slick and smooth, and its crimson surface reflected the lamplight like a jewel more lambent than any ruby; and in my hand it still throbbed mightily, sending vibratory radiations of energy up my arm until my own heart seemed swelling and bursting in response. It was cosmic power, beyond my comprehension, concentrated into the likeness of a human heart.

The thought came to me that here was a dynamo of life, the nearest approach to immortality that is possible for the destructible human body, the materialization of a cosmic secret more wonderful than the fabulous fountain sought for by Ponce de Leon. My soul was drawn into that unterrestrial gleam, and I suddenly wished passionately that it hammered and thundered in my own bosom in place of my paltry heart of tissue and muscle.

Doc Blaine ejaculated incoherently. I wheeled.

The noise of his coming had been no greater than the whispering of a night wind through the corn. There in the doorway he stood, tall, dark, inscrutable—­an Indian warrior, in the paint, war bonnet, breech-clout and moccasins of an elder age. His dark eyes burned like fires gleaming deep under fathomless black lakes. Silently he extended his hand, and I dropped Jim Garfield’s heart into it. Then without a word he turned and stalked into the night. But when Doc Blaine and I rushed out into the yard an instant later, there was no sign of any human being. He had vanished like a phantom of the night, and only something that looked like an owl was flying, dwindling from sight, into the rising moon.


Robert Ervin Howard (January 22, 1906 – June 11, 1936) was an American writer. He wrote pulp fiction in a diverse range of genres. He is well known for his character Conan the Barbarian and is regarded as the father of the sword and sorcery subgenre.

Howard was born and raised in Texas. He spent most of his life in the town of Cross Plains, with some time spent in nearby Brownwood. A bookish and intellectual child, he was also a fan of boxing and spent some time in his late teens bodybuilding, eventually taking up amateur boxing. From the age of nine he dreamed of becoming a writer of adventure fiction but did not have real success until he was 23. Thereafter, until his death by suicide at age 30, Howard’s writings were published in a wide selection of magazines, journals, and newspapers, and he became proficient in several subgenres. His greatest success occurred after his death…

from Wikipedia


“Old Garfield’s Heart” was first published in Weird Tales in December, 1933.

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Why Writers Are Readers (Or Should Be!) — Slattery Publishing

Originally posted on Writer’s Treasure Chest: Picture courtesy of Google.com I once asked my dad why he taught me how to read when I was only a bit older than 3 1/2 years. His answer was: “Because you wanted me to.” I laughed and told him: “I don’t remember I was able to talk…

Why Writers Are Readers (Or Should Be!) — Slattery Publishing